Dude, Where’s My Stuff?

CJ Moore |
My friends are constantly in pursuit of a good burn. A hearty leg-slap while group-chanting "Champion!" is a (slightly sadistic) fave among us. Smelly burns include the Grumpy Old Men Fish Corpse hidden in the summer heat of a friend's car and a Tuna-tainted Cup-o-Noodles. And of course there are the timeless classics, such as Forks in a Friend's Lawn, Mashed Potato Flakes on the Windshield, Bananas in the Tail Pipe and Elevator Balloons. I could go on for paragraphs, but many of my preferred pranks don’t exactly match our G-rated self storage website. (That said, I invite you to Google "Rainn Wilson Halloween Pranks" for some fun PG-rated silliness.) My buddies fancy themselves as trendsetters, originators and innovators, but in my recent exposure to the self storage industry as a writer here at StorageFront, I've invented a burn that's so original, so innovative, my friends would never suspect it. Consequently it would immediately be inducted into the Burning Hall of Fame. I call it the Relocation Burn. Here's my proposal. Let's say you have a roommate, or have access to a friend's room through his roommate. Step 1, Rent a self storage unit and a moving truck. Some self storage facilities offer free use of their moving trucks for a short term, but you can probably afford a truck for a half day at Home Depot Step 2, Gather some friends together while your buddy is at work. Step 3, Move all of your friend's bedroom into the moving truck and then into the self storage unit, arranged exactly like his bedroom. Step 4, Leave the self storage unit key in the middle of his bedroom with a note, informing him that he's been relocated to a cozy new apartment at (insert address here). Step 5, Have your camera ready, wait for him to arrive at home, and await the Relation Burn reaction. Step 6, Try to keep a straight face. Step 7, Once he goes to his room, get a good picture of the reaction and try to contain the tears that will accompany your laughter. As with any good burn, there must be rules:
  • The burner must pay for all costs of storing and recovering the burnee's things, unless the burnee is loaded and agrees to foot the bill.
  • If caught trying The Relocation Burn, you must move your own things into the storage unit and live without them for a week.
  • No crashing in the self storage unit because that's illegal (and frankly, kind of sleazy).
  • No pressing charges (it's best to only burn those friends who can take a good prank).
  • You must take a picture of your buddy as he discovers his empty bedroom.
  • No punching or causing bodily harm to the burner, because that would be in poor taste.
The ideas and suggestions in this blog are satire, meant to provide entertainment only. StorageFront and its employees/representatives do not condone theft or vandalism. See our Terms & Conditions.